It's nip and tuck at the BBC

Wrinkle, wrinkle, you're no star
The wonder is you got this far.

Ageism? The BBC are raven mad!

No more Autumnwatch - Producer reckons I've got crow's feet.

I've stopped digging

When the time does come
All said and done
And six feet below I lie,
I hope it's asked
Not why I lived
But why I had to die.

If an actor talks awfully, should he be in The Archers?

And how should he take his bow?

Elton John's latest accessory

Children are not commodities, but you are still dealing with futures.

A millionaire soon. A secret millionaire? Never.

It might go against popular opinion but I think that Julian Assange should rot in jail.
Why? Well, I just don't like the look of the guy.
(You really don't want me on your jury.)
Now I appreciate that this in itself might not constitute a significant enough body of evidence to convict him, but let me try and build a case.
He's Australian.
Remember, this is all circumstantial.
He looks like he has a cold and slippery 'wet fish' handshake. Admittedly, that is mere suspicion on my part.
He gives journalists a bad name. You can't achieve that without malice aforethought.
And when interviewed, his sentences last even longer than the one that I would like to impose upon him.
On a much more serious note, he has had a dalliance (or two) in Sweden that has led to some very serious allegations.
Far be it for me to make light of these matters, I do wonder if he would be pursued as vigorously as is the case without undue pressure being brought to bear from other quarters.
But that doesn't concern me.
I say let's pursue him anyway and if he's guilty, then let's nail him.
As the driving force behind WikiLeaks, he is the self-appointed arbiter of what he considers to be safe in the public domain
Who does he think he is?
As the recipient of two thirds of the organisation's salary budget, he is patently a self-seeking parvenu.
I now learn that he has signed a book deal worth $1.5 million in order, he claims, to fight his case and to keep his organisation afloat.
If he were a true martyr to his cause, he should hand the money over to genuine freedom fighters and then hand himself over to the relevant authorities.
Julian Assange. Aged 39.
Life, they say, begins at 40.
For him, I say, it should begin at Wormwood Scrubs.

Are Public School boys more likely to stick to their principals?

Gastroenteritis

Is it just another name for motion sickness?

I use alcohol as a crutch

So why does it always leave me legless?

The tide is high but I'm holding on

Hang on. That's a turd I've got my hands on.
And the moral of the story is:
In life, look after No. 1. Forget about No. 2.

Snow is like life...if you get my drift

I watch my feet in case I slip
This snow can be a farce
The moment that you lose your grip
You end up on your arse.

Donald Trump is a beefcake

But only insofar as a beefcake is dripping with money.

Whoever designed the suit of armour must have thought it would be alright on the knight

I recognize the handwriting on all my hate mail

Maybe I've taken this self-loathing a little too far.

Some MP's lack transparency while others you can see right through.

On average, they are a bunch of shysters.

My blog is a massive hit in the Spanish speaking world...

...ever since I recommended it to Juan and Ol.

Climate change. The evidence.

I wandered lonely as a cloud.
Not any more you don't.

I've just fitted a draught excluder to my drinks cabinet

I don't drink beer.

I'm scared. After 5 minutes of Jeremy Kyle I realised just how much I have in common with his guests.

Words fail them. They also fail me.

MY ALLOTMENT MENTALLOT TO ME

Does anyone have a 'patch' to help me get over the addiction?