For my holidays, I thought I might toss a coin between Algeria and Egypt

Then I thought, why go all the way to Libya just to toss a coin?
They already have a tosser.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Would someone please buy that bloody idiot an umbrella.

British defence cuts hit no-fly zone over Libya

Reed my lips

I'm a clarinettist.
(Oh, read my blogs too.)

2000 years of civilization?

"I came, I saw, I conquered." Julius Caesar.
"I saw his conkers and came." Julie X.

Creatives. Are your thumbnails bitten?

Never work for someone you have designs on.
When told that you've got the wrong idea, you've no idea what they mean.

No express espresso served here

The slow food movement in Italy that has been on the go for a number of years was set up as an antidote to all the fast food that pervades our lives.
The fact that the concept has not exactly spread like wildfire is probably because it would be in stark contrast to everything that the movement stands for. Or, perhaps more pertinently, sits around for.
But at long last, I can reveal where it has its roots.
Pop in to your local Caffè Nero.
You know, they're the people who purport to make the 'best espresso this side of Milan'.
Let's not even discuss that claim.
Instead, let's address the issue of what happens to time when you enter Caffè Nero.
It stands still.
And so do their customers.
Making  coffee is not rocket science even although the finished product can at times be made to taste like rocket fuel.
But I'm not standing for it any longer.
Whenever I feel like a coffee, I now head for Milan.
Not only is it quicker, it's the best espresso that side of Broughty Ferry.

There is not a scientific theory yet expounded that I can't follow

Usually with one humungous question mark.


Example:

e = mc2

Explanation(e) equals(=) many(m) times(x) confused(c)

I can't follow Stephen Hawking's theories

But I'm really just being peevish because he doesn't follow my tweets.

Miss Herd?

"I must apologise. My hearing aid is broken."
"You can say that again."
"What? Yours too?"

The car in front is a Tsunami

But be warned. It has bad brakes.

The Japanese tsunami

The only thing it has not wiped away is their debt.

The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Don't miss the sequel.

Ass? You like it?

Choose your words Caerphilly

While I have never been known to mince my words, I have been known to talk mince.
All that is about to change and all because of a former mayor of Caerphilly in South Wales.
Having become the first person in Britain to be successfully sued for a libellous tweet, he has spoilt the fun for us all.
But rather than be churlish and vent my spleen in his direction, I'm keeping my own counsel.
Ironically, by maligning a rival who was contesting his seat, he too was trying to keep his own council.
If only he had tweeted in Welsh, then nobody would have understood what the hell he was saying.
I would like to apologise to the Welsh nation for that last statement.
It was a sheep comment. Sorry, cheap.
Oh dear.

What are youth inking about?

(It's a writing competition for the young.)

I went to my DOC because I was worried about my COD

Anagrams are becoming my OCD.
He told me I was a loof.
Well, more fool him.

The need to abbreviate

It's in my very DNA.

Bob the Diamond Geezer

For the first time in over one hundred years, scientists have discovered a new creature living right in the centre of London.
It is not thought to share its DNA with any other species. In fact, it shares nothing.
It does, however, display a number of characteristics more normally associated with other animals.
While plainly not a bird, this creature does have a habit of shitting on people from a great height.
In the manner of a sloth, it sits around for most of its life while ant-like creatures, showing great industry, bring lots of deposits. It is not clear what these deposits constitute but they certainly serve to sustain and nourish this hitherto unknown animal. So much so that the pile it sits on grows higher and higher pushing it to the very top.
More thick-skinned than your average pachyderm, our new 'friend' seems impervious to all that goes on around it.
By all accounts, yes accounts, it seems to be a lifestyle that bears fruit - and lots of it.
Indeed, the pile even bears its own fruit tempting the creature to help itself while undoubtedly thinking "That's a bonus".

TO PROVE THAT I MEAN EXACTLY WHAT I WRITE, I'VE DECIDED TO SHOW OFF.

OFF.

My doctor told me to keep taking the tablets

It certainly wasn't NICE.