It can get quite messy!

I hold in awe the humble egg.

I admire its versatility.

I'd even get on my knees to beg

If I didn't have the egg's fragility.

You must admit the simple egg is really quite impressive,

But don't forget it can all go wrong if you try to get too possessive.

A blue Doo!

A pigeon sat upon my hat
It's efforts I had thwarted
I'd stuck a plug where the sun don't  shine
So the poo of the doo was aborted.

Peddling piffle!

I'm prone to getting on my bike,
But am not prone when upon it.
I then pedal with all my might,
Until I'm prone. Doggone it!

A debt break?

The banks are always losing money
The country's in a mess
Let's have more bank holidays
So our debts will then be less.

NELSON MANDELA. DEPARTHEID.

in-DEEP-END-ence?

Proscribed or prescribed?

Were the Ten Commandments the world's first anti inflammatory tablets...or the precise opposite?

Symmetry in a cemetery

Has it ever struck you - the symmetry in a cemetery?
Are we really so obsessed with what is on the other 'side'?

If there is a greater expression of derision than silence...

...keep quiet about it.

Peeping Tom found at Abbey

He was staring into the Abess.

The difference between oppose and repose

Oppose: to sit on the opposition benches in the House of Commons.
Repose: to sit on any bench in the House of Lords.

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away

Today I must look through my binoculars the correct way.

I was the most outstanding pupil in my school

I was out standing in the corridor almost every day.

From Scotland Yard to the farmyard, there's a certain whiff

1. rank: a position within a fixed heirarchy. For example, in the Metropolitan Police.
2. rank: having a foul smell. For example, in the Metropolitan Police.

Hello! Hello! Hello! said the MP to the MP to the MP

The Member of Parliament to the Murdoch Press to the Metropolitan Police.
The permutations are endless.
Three in a bed is never healthy. You don't know where to turn.

An apology. My editor didn't die.

It was a coma. Not a full stop.

My editor died. An obituary.

To cut a long story short...

Eats shoots and leaves

Or maybe that should read 'Eats shoots and departs' as has happened to a number of diners at Lübeck's Kartoffelkeller.
The new strain of E.coli that has done for 22 of their guests so far is second only in virulence to the rumours that abound as to its precise source.
Having originally pointed the finger at Spanish cucumbers, it now seems that it might well have emanated from Germany's own homegrown bean sprouts.
All of which leads me to think that the best health food of all is the mighty chip where such unwelcome bacteria are incinerated into oblivion.
God forbid that Germany ever starts another world war.
With bean sprouts as part of their newly found armoury, when it comes to winning wars, at long last blighty might well have had its chips.

His own personal FifaDom

Bloater (noun) def. : A herring partially dried in smoke.
Note: not to be confused with a Blatter although there is certainly something very fishy about both.
Etymology of Blatter: from the state of being bloated. Puffed up through over-indulgence. Tendency to gormandize as in "FIFA-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman".
Look out English FA. You've been warned. Maybe even slightly warmed.
Do I smell toast?

The embattled Minister and his embittered ex-wife

Had Chris Huhne been better versed in the classics, he would have done well to remember that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
As Essex police sit up and take notice of Huhne's Machiavellian efforts to offload his speeding points onto the licence of his former wife, it seems that they are not paying her any attention at all.
Was she not also complicit in trying to pervert the course of justice?
Either the police begin to show her some interest or they too could end up having to indulge in the taming of the shrew.