Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Arise Sir Sir Fred

Relax, I'm not advocating a rise in Sir Fred Goodwin's already obscene pension. Instead, I suggest a second knighthood.
In 2010, we need to be imaginative in taking whatever measures we deem necessary to recoup our losses of 2009.
So why not bestow this unique honour upon Sir Fred? It costs nothing to hand out a knighthood and in doing so we can raise a small fortune for the taxpayer from whoever bids the highest to bring the sword down (gently) upon Sir Sir Fred.

Monday, 28 December 2009

Does my Astra look big in this?

No. In fact, quite the contrary.
I note that a shopping centre in China's Hebei province has built a car park with wider spaces especially for women drivers.
One must not underestimate the significance of this decision in helping to control China's population explosion.
Well, what else could result from giving women such a wide berth?

The greatest 'occi'-moron of our time?

Airport security.
I don't know how they deal with security in the East, but when is the West going to get the message that we are the number one target for terrorist attacks?

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Doobie doobie doo

Doobie doobie doo?
Isn't it amazing that no matter what drivel you write, if you set it to a catchy tune it can become instantly memorable and immediately recognisable.
Are there any takers out there who would like to set my blog to music?

The £6 million protection racket

I believe that it costs the taxpayer £6 million each year to protect Tony Blair as he jets around the world earning megabucks as a pathetic peripatetic global megaphone.
If you accept that the world is a more dangerous place because of his guided missiles and misguided policies, can we not sue him to get our money back?

Pâté de foie gras

It’s inhumane.
All that force feeding.
It’s the same every Christmas.
Nothing changes.
I’ve eaten far too much pâté de foie gras.
And that’s just for starters.

Friday, 25 December 2009

Head of Church and church off head!

Last night the Head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, was pushed to the ground by someone purportedly suffering from mental problems.
Last week it was President Berlusconi's turn to be attacked when a statue of a church bounced off his head. Again it involved someone with mental problems.
It didn't escape my notice that Berlusconi was the one who immediately needed to get his head seen to.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Street crime to explode in 2010

At some point in the first half of 2010 there will be a General Election. At that point, upwards of 120 MP’s will be off. Well off.
In fact, bloody well off.
After years of pickpocketing, mugging and shafting the taxpayer, they are about to hit the streets of Britain with their finely honed skills.
You might want to look upon it as a mass prison breakout.
They will no longer be in the Commons but on the common. But, be warned, they will still be on the take.
They know no other way.
To help you identify them, just remember this: they might look presentable and speak in concerned tones, but the ‘realpolitik’ is that they are like a cross between a spider and an octopus. They can spin a web of deceit while still keeping eight tentacles free to remove your last squid. Sorry, quid.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

My first is in...

It's 90 minutes long.
It's a game of two halves (one "themed" - so we are told).
One ref.
A left winger, a right winger and a centre.
Partisan supporters.
One goal.
Number Ten.
Brown? Cameron? Clegg?
Let the debates begin.
I'm waiting with 'debated' breath.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe...

...she had a very nice brogue.

Monday, 21 December 2009

Eurostar. An apology.

On behalf of Eurostar, I would like to apologise for their apology.
The tunnel might have been completed a few years ago, yet Eurostar are still digging.
And they’ve struck cold.
So cold, in fact, their trains can’t deal with the “fluffier snow”.
What a load of claptrap.
When Eurostar say “only travel when it is absolutely necessary”, what they really mean is: if you want to get there for Christmas, you’ll be quicker by donkey.
All wise men know that much.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

scowl n. & v. - the etymology

1. A contraction of Simon Cowell following the indignation he showed when (at long bloody last) he was outmanoeuvred for the coveted 2009 Christmas number one spot.
2. The anger people express at his contribution to the celebrity culture that pervades society.
3. To wear your trousers so high they form a cowl.

Honeypots and pension pots, the whole world has gone to pot!

Can there be anything worse in life than being told that you only have so long to live? Would you seek solace from your faith? Would you endeavour to do the things that you always promised yourself? Or might you decide to blow it all in one last hurrah? It is not a subject that I even like to contemplate.
As Copenhagen has just proved, 2009 was the year that the world's leaders finally realised that planet Earth is doomed. So what did they do?
They blew the lot!
Savings, pension pots, honeypots, stocks, shares, currencies. Not their money. Ours.
It's all gone!
With global warming, you could say it has gone with the wind.
The problem is I don't think enough of us give a damn.

Friday, 18 December 2009

BA to merge with BMI

With the present difficulties being experienced by the airline industry in general and BA in particular, it might make sense for BA to merge with BMI and use both their names to call the new airline BAMBI.
After all, compared to certain other carriers, they are a 'little deer'.

Nave strikes knave

As despicable a character as Berlusconi might be, nobody deserves to be clattered in such a violent manner.
Perhaps I can recommend a faith healer....?

Talking turkey on global warming

Take all the world's leaders. Add a liberal sprinkling of cynicism. Pop them in a large freezer room and set to defrost. Check after one hour taking great care with the melting ice.....the water! Turn the temperature up by 5 degrees Celsius and continue to monitor at regular intervals. Increase the temperature by 5 degrees each time. After a few hours, open the door. Once the temperature reaches 30 degrees, they should really be talking turkey. If not, continue to increase the temperature until it produces the desired effect.
At some stage they will realise just how unpleasant global warming can be.
When they are ready to sign an agreement, take one squid, squeeze to get some ink.
What's sauce for the goose, turkey, etc. etc.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Stand and deliver!

How often have you heard it said that MP’s don’t enter politics for the money?
Hands up if you believe it.
Now keep your hands up. This is a hold up. Pass me your wallet!
That little scenario above was a bit of role playing in which I was your average MP. And believe me, they are very average. And believe me again, he/she already has at least one hand on your wallet.
Take a look at your own MP and ask yourself: if they were lucky enough to find a job outwith the cloistered honeypot that is Westminster, what kind of salary do you honestly think they could command?
The truth is, Parliament is full of nincompoops who stand on a promise that they never deliver and for which they are paid a salary that is tantamount to daylight robbery.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

SOS (Save our Savings)

It's Christmas so let's be charitable.
Isn't it nice how some of the world's most influential leaders are showing great concern for the smaller island states lest they disappear under the sea due to global warming?
I'm prepared to overlook the possibility that the same leaders have squirrelled away their* 'cache' to those selfsame tax havens.
'Notes' on a small island?

*In politics, 'their' can often be used as a synonym for 'our'.

The voter IS a fool

MP's from all sides are forever telling us that the voter is not a fool.
Well how do we explain our MP's?

Heat-seeking missals!

I note that Iran claims to have successfully tested a medium-range missile.
And we're worried about global warming.....?
It's time to give up warfare and indulge in some mind games starting with heat-seeking missals.
Let's send them on a wing and a prayer.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Freddie the Hoodwinking Hoody

Little has been seen or heard of Fred Goodwin, Britain’s richest pensioner. Rumours abound that he is Christmas shopping in Edinburgh at night while sporting a hood.
Ah well, good to hear his ‘night hood’ isn't totally useless yet.

The Ministers went there two by two, hurrah! hurrah!

In the beginning – or at around that time – Noah built his ark, but technology has moved on.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark and I think I’m on to it.
First of all our money disappeared. Then Fred Goodwin went. Now the world’s leaders are heading there and they are arriving two by two. By Friday they will all be there.
It’s Copenhagen, of course.
Global warming, it seems, is getting too hot for some.
Last week Sir Richard Branson launched Virgin Galactic.
Coincidence? I think not.
He too is in Copenhagen.
The engines of his 21st Century 'ark' are primed and raring to go with the occasional ‘sub-prime’ injection just to make Fred feel a little more at home.
Fred has a window seat and is ready to bail out with the money as only he knows how.
All other seats are taken.
There’s the brown seat. Yes, Darling is still worrying about the economy.
Brown’s seat is next to him.
Barack Obama is late. His seat is initialled BO. It might prove difficult to keep Sarkozy out of it. Berlusconi is always out of it. Has anyone seen Angela Merkel?
Never mind, time is running out.
Prepare for take off.
The world is doomed.
Which planet to ravage and lay waste to next?

Monday, 14 December 2009

Copenhagen - Britain leads the way

Which other nation can boast a national carrier that selflessly cancels all flights over Christmas to help reduce their carbon footprint?

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Frederick Anderson Goodwin

Capital Punishment? Think about it.

Avoid all Bookies and Bankers

Had someone approached me on the eve of the 2009 Open at Turnberry and convinced me that on Sunday an American with the initials of TW would have a short putt to win, I’d have mortgaged my house, gone to the bookies and backed Tiger Woods.
I’d have also gone to the poorhouse.
Had Tom Watson dared to suggest in 1975 when he won his first Open that he would have a short putt to win 34 years hence, he’d have gone to the madhouse.
My point is there is no such thing as a banker.
If only there was no such ‘thing’ as that banker Freddie Goodwin, the world would be a better place and our money would be better placed.

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Friday, 11 December 2009

Never in the field of human con-tricks was so much owed by so many to so few

What would Churchill have made of our MP's expenses?
No, I don't mean the great politician. I'm referring to the insurance company of that name.
It's a brilliant solution, let's appoint Churchill.
When it comes to MP's expenses, nobody is better qualified to find a reason not to pay out on a claim than an insurance company.
If only MP's had observed - "We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give" - we wouldn't be in the fine mess that we are now in.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Not now Darling. There's a 'buy' election looming.

Alastair Darling's blueprint for our economic recovery:
Buy now. Bye later.

Please sir, can I have some more?

The Daily Telegraph today (9th Dec. 2009) gave a foretaste of the latest round of our martyrs' expenses due to be published by Parliament tomorrow.
Prepare yourself for a bad aftertaste.
A few pages later, reference is made to Sir Thomas More the patron saint of politicians.
Can there be a more appropriate name?

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Christmas is coming…..just don’t tell anyone!

I don’t know if it is politically correct to couch it in these terms but the lunatics are running the asylum.
In Dundee, we recently held a Winter Light Night ceremony.
It involved the switching on of certain coloured spheres. Let’s not refer to them by any other name lest we upset any other person.
Whatever next?
Will EASTer run the risk of offending those living in the North, South and West?
I honestly don’t know.
It seems we lost our moral compass a long time ago.

Precious mettle

It would be difficult to accuse the present leader of the Conservative Party in Scotland, Annabel Goldie, of lacking ‘mettle’. Everyone knows it is a prerequisite for the job.
But what possesses her to think that she can kick Alex Salmond’s independence dreams into touch by denying voters the opportunity to do exactly that with our long hoped for referendum?
She has a brass neck, her initials are silver and her name is Goldie.
If the Tories are to salvage anything from Scotland, it’s time they took her to the scrap yard.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Would the last person to leave the planet please turn ON the lights!

Global warming?
You really don’t know what to believe.
“What we need is more renewable energy” they said.
“Build a wind farm” they suggested.
A farm?
So we did.
But rather than erect turbines that look silly and out of place, I thought, let’s buy some cows.
They look nicer.
That way, at least we can get milk from one end and no end of wind from the other.
“Sorry, it’s the wrong type of wind. You’re not helping. You’re making the planet worse.”
I’ll plug them.
Oh no, plugs are out.
I’ll need to think of some other bright idea that isn’t so bright that it illuminates the bulb just above my head.
What about wave power?
Now there’s an idea.
Let’s harness the entire population of the world and at precisely the same time we can all wave goodbye to planet earth.
And if that doesn’t generate enough lift, maybe Sir Richard Branson with his intergalactic ambitions can take us to some other world.

Planet earth is getting warmer and wetter.
Our policy makers are in Copenhagen generating yet more hot air.
And from that, still more confusion ‘reigns’.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

The bigotry that dare not speak its name

Tiger should know better than anyone about the importance of commitment. From agonising between a 4-iron and a 5-iron, once you make a decision, you need to commit to the shot.
Otherwise, as with his marriage, you are in danger of ending up in the long grass.
Now I’m not going to get on my moral high horse - mine rode out of town a long time ago - but I can’t condone what he has done.
However, when it comes to attracting detractors, Tiger seems to have managed it on an industrial scale and he has achieved it in a celebrity culture where, at times, marriage and affairs seem to go together like.....well.....a horse and carriage.
It just doesn’t add up.
My suspicion is that too many of these latter-day critics – including many fellow professionals – see this as no more than an opportunity to vent their spleen. They have never accepted that the world’s predominant golfer is, shall we say, in their minds, different.
Shame on them for that. Shame on Tiger for the other.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Survival of the fattest

We’ve all seen those awesome (and some) Sir David Attenborough nature programmes in which a pack of ruthless wolves moves in on their prey or a herd of buffalo stampedes towards a watering hole or a voracity of vultures (sounds like a good collective noun to me!) circles their next square meal. But have you ever wondered about the human equivalent? Well, I’ve just discovered it.
It’s called the Christmas shop at Asda.
I nipped in for what I thought would be a straightforward shop and picked up a basket at the entrance. Little did I realise how many ‘basket cases’ were already ahead of me, all wielding trolleys. But just in case you have any preconceived ideas, an Asda trolley is no ordinary trolley.
An Asda trolley is ergonomically designed for its driver to slouch forward onto the handle in order to steer it around the retail jungle in his own inimitable monocoque fashion. When I say ‘steer’, to the driver that word is more likely to conjure up an image of the back end of some humongous beast that he somehow has to prise from the freezer and hump in to his trolley among the booze, nuts, crisps and other delicacies.

In essence, an Asda trolley is the supreme hunter-gatherer invention. It’s a veritable food bearing Zimmer.

Unlike the wild, however, (admittedly, Asda is not too unlike the wild) we are not talking here about the survival of the fittest.
How do I know that?
Well having scanned and paid for my items, an electronic voice shouts out:
"Thank you for using the fat lane!"
Or was it the fast lane?
At Asda, you can never be too sure.

Friday, 4 December 2009

Making a good fist of it!

I read in the Dundee Courier recently about yet another indecent assault. It led me to think: what exactly constitutes a decent assault?

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Father's Day confuses some kids!

We are all morally bereft.
As taxpayers, we subscribe to a system that encourages unmarried teenage girls to get pregnant. By providing them with financial rewards, housing and numerous other benefits, we lead them (on) to a lifestyle that they might otherwise take years to attain.
But I am not suggesting for one moment that we abandon them as readily as we seem to have abandoned hope. Of course we need to help, but we ought not to create that need through our misguided ways.
There are many single mothers who have come by their unfortunate circumstances through no fault of their own. But when a young girl who is not yet 20 has three children with two different fathers (known as a three by two), neither of whom she can - or will - name, something has gone far wrong with our society.
As unwitting accomplices, we are all complicit in placing Britain at the top of yet another European league for the all the wrong reasons.
Let’s try to turn the ‘tables’.

Royal Bank of Scotland directors threaten to resign

Now that's what I call a bonus!
The truth is, had the government (ie. the taxpayer) and the main shareholder (the taxpayer again) not steadied the ship, these bankers wouldn't even be in employment. In a free market it's difficult not to pay them a bonus but let's only hope that their investments show a little more more appreciation than they do.

How many roads must a man go down.....

.....before he realises his sat nav was a waste of money?