Thursday, 29 April 2010

Alex Salmond. The 'consume it' politician.

Alex Salmond is rattled. At least, he would be if he hadn't thrown his rattle out of the pram.
We were all led to believe that his moral outrage was simply because he hadn't been invited to the Leaders' Debates.
If only that were true.
A leak from Holyrood has thrown a shade more light on the matter.
(Can you get a shade more light?)
It seems that his real indignation is because he was not invited to the accompanying meals.
As such, the BBC has hatched a plan.
An insider told us "Alex will be allowed to tuck in as soon as he gets to the studio and can then go on to join the debate."
By the time he gets up from the table, I suspect we will have a new Prime Minister.

Gordon Brown. Doctor Heckle and Mr. Chide.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

May 6th. Official TwitPic Day.

Pick the twit who you think will do the least damage to our country.

You know when you've been Mangoed

There can be few sights in politics more undignified than an indignant Peter Mandelson.
This week, the Daily Mail captured him at the peak of his pique and, take my advice, a peek is about as much as I would recommend.
The hacks were alerted when his hackles were raised at the alleged Tory Party smearing of Nick Clegg.
While it is quite touching that Mandy was being so protective of the fresh-faced and youthful - some might even suspect useful - Clegg, I wonder which world he has been inhabiting?
They're all at it - including Mandy.
Maybe a good slapping will bring him back down to earth.

Apologies to Tango.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Eruption or corruption? We should all blow our tops.

As the volcanic dust begins to settle, details relating to the non-flying fiasco are becoming clearer. A top secret dossier was found in a pie shop close to Westminster and although no MP has been named, it is understood that the 'Press caught' sight of the file as it was handed over to the police.
The details therein might even trigger another eruption.
It runs like this.
The recession had left the airline industry in a parlous state.
The Government recognised this but were unable to provide financial assistance because of European Law.
A plan was hatched to create a catastrophe such as the one that we have just experienced and the Government would accept complete responsibility.
Who better to blame than the Met. Office who are renowned for their crass incompetence and are roundly reviled in any case?
All that remains now is for the number crunching to be resolved.
The fiasco has cost maybe £500 million in lost revenues. Meanwhile, the airline industry is bandying around figures approaching £2 billion.
Potentially, that leaves £1.5 billion with which to cut a bit of slack.
What would have been construed as a subsidy before can now pass off as compensation and, yet again, the good old taxpayer picks up the tab.
Meanwhile, Ministers can happily continue with their foreign junkets to exotic destinations.
Normal service has been resumed.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

My party is full of non-doms and non-denoms

My local MP insists he is non-denominational.
He is willing to accept £10's, £20's, £50's...

Some bloggers are like fencers

Perfect poise. The quick riposte. Skilful in making their points felt.
Some are like that other type of fencer.
They need a sledgehammer to drive home their 'posts'.

Don't tell me that nothing is impossible

I've achieved nothing throughout my entire life.
Nothing is perfectly possible.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Anonymous or eponymous?

Having just luxuriated in every sublime note of Laudate Dominum, it made me think that if Mozart had composed that and nothing else, then surely it would be enough for him to have achieved immortality.
For me, as indeed for most of us, it is unlikely that we will ever be remembered for very much at all.
How depressing.
Or is it?
Some prefer anonymous to eponymous.
Take, as an example, Tim Berners-Lee. Not only did he eschew financial rewards in creating the worldwide web, he didn't even opt for the prefix tbl, giving way instead to his partner Wee Willie Winkie.
And what about the black box found (and sometimes not) in most planes. Was there a Mr. Black? Now that would be unfortunate. (Google informs me that it was actually invented by a Mr. David Warren.)
All of which led me to ponder what I would like to be remembered for.
I think if I can make anyone remember my name, or indeed how to spell it, then that in itself would be an achievement.

Signed: Fred Blogs.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

I sent a text to Gordon Brown.....

.....but couldn't get past the first two letters of his name.
I hope he gets the message.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

A masterclass in whining and dining

Alex Salmond's nose is out of joint. In fact, there's not a pound on him that hangs in the right direction.
I'm not sure if scientists have ever investigated the link between an expanding waistline and an inflated sense of one's own self-worth, but Alex Salmond would certainly be a good place to start.
First of all, you might need to cajole him from the huff he is in due to not being invited to the Leaders' Debates.
What an ungrateful sod.
By virtue of his absence, the wider population couldn't learn about his abject lack of virtues.
There is also the other issue of whether he would be able to physically stand for long enough.
A more pertinent question might be whether we could stand him for long enough without being physically sick.
I suppose so, we put up with Gordon.

The Tay Bridge disaster

It leads to Dundee.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Monday, 12 April 2010


The fact that a single word has the capacity to annoy me, annoys me.
As I don't subscribe to most of what is now regarded as popular culture, I've no idea where the roots of this word's Modern English Usage lie.
Suffice to say - and at the risk of being accused of using 'more' with a comparative adverb - it is more fouler than Fowler.
But the thing that really annoys me is that it smacks of apathy.
I think you're a tosspot.
You stole my girlfriend.
I hereby charge you with murder. Have you anything to say in your defence?
It has become the ubiquitous response among those who can't engage their brains for long enough to at least try to articulate a coherent riposte.
And what makes it even worse is that they don't seem to care.
Perhaps we should think about editing the final scene from Gone with the Wind.

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Red Rum wins 2010 Grand National

Well, he never really won it but he did cross the finishing line for his fourth Grand National.
I note that one of the jockeys had to glue part of his saddle together just prior to the race.
What are the chances of that glue having been made from the old bones of Red Rum?
Let's conduct a DNA test.
The odds are about as remote as me picking the winner.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Solar-powered aeroplane crash lands in Scotland

The Westminster Grand National

And they're off!
Cameron, just ahead by a nose, is still hoping to convert the 'don't knows'.
Brown is hot on his heels, saddled with debt, but ably mounted by Mandelson.
A good distance behind is Clegg who continues to stirrup apathy along the way. The long face doesn't help.
All three are finding it tough going. Especially on the straights.
This is developing into a two horse race with a jackass in tow.
The finishing line seems a long way off - May 6th.
That's when the real horse trading begins.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Don't forget to put your 'X' in the box on May 6th

A night on the tiles

I've always enjoyed the occasional game of Scrabble, so it was with great interest that I read about a variation in the rules.
Proper nouns are now allowed.
The opportunity to use your own name is all very well but, sadly, there are too many who even struggle with that much.
We have an education system that has failed - and continues to fail - certain children.
I know. I went to school with children. Some of them grew up to become teachers.
And although many became very good teachers, there are those who have neither been properly educated themselves nor trained to teach what little they know to anyone else.
A change in the rules of Scrabble won't do anything to remedy that.
What it will do is generate more sales.
So irrespective of how many points your name might accrue, it is only the PR department at Mattel that merits the bonus points.
That should bring a smile to their zygomata (23).

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Call me a cynic

But whatever you do, don’t call me a cab until you’ve heard me out.
I always expect the worst from people. That way, I’m never disappointed.
Over the last few years, I’ve never failed to be never disappointed. Back off scholars, I meant that double negative.
From the Royal Family abusing its privileges through to the Catholic Church abusing our children, decadence has spread through every strand of society and it has taken less than a decade to do so.
We can’t trust our Royals, our bankers, our politicians or our clergy.
It’s where we traditionally placed our respect, our money, our votes and our faith.
I ask you, what is the world coming to?
An end, presumably. Or at least, eventually.
I just don’t want to be there when it happens because just when I think that things can’t get any worse, they probably will.
But then again, I’ll be expecting that.
Blessed are the cynics.

Friday, 2 April 2010

The Goodwin Stack

Sir Fred Goodwin, former head of the bank that he mistook (and took and took and took) for his own piggy bank, has stepped in at the last moment to underwrite the entire cost of the new Olympic tower in London.
Commenting on his new found munificence, Sir Fred told reporters "I've made a stack from the British people, I think it's only right that I give a small stack back. I'd like it to be known as The Goodwin Stack."
In keeping with the spirit of the games, organisers accepted the offer and have suggested a bungee jump to mark the tower's official opening.
Sir Fred embraced the idea almost as enthusiastically as he welcomed his own pension. So much so that he has even volunteered to be the first to make the jump.
He added "I'd like my leap to be a metaphor for the markets. Shares can go up as well as down. But no matter what happens, they usury bounce back. Sorry, usually."
Detailed plans are already being made for the 115 metre leap with tenders invited for an elasticated rope measuring 116 metres.
The project coordinator, a certain Mr. Darling, commented "There is always an element of risk with such jumps. To minimise that risk, I ask everyone to stand well clear and you won't get splattered."
Good luck Freddie. We'll cheer you all the way.....down.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

By any other name?

I always understood a conning tower to be the structure on a submarine that contains the periscope.
The new Conning Tower (a.k.a The Orbit Tower) for the 2012 Olympics is estimated to cost upwards of £19 million.
A rose by any other name?
Who's conning who?

Fatten your seat belts. Alex Salmond is on board.

On my flight back from London last week, I experienced great turbulence.
Alex Salmond was on board.
Whether he was already in receipt of his £65,000 Golden Goodbye from Westminster, I don't know.
What I do know, however, is that if you were to kick him firmly in the family allowance, he would still display that smug mien that smacks of the cat that got the cream.
As indeed he did.
The look has become his 'treadmark' and I'm tired of it.
But perhaps I've been too quick to judge.
His aides have let it slip that he plans to make a "substantial donation" to a charitable foundation.
As I understand it, real charity involves the left hand not knowing what the right hand is up to.
With MP's, I think we can venture a pretty good guess at what both hands are up to.
Not to mention their snouts.