A masterclass in whining and dining

Alex Salmond's nose is out of joint. In fact, there's not a pound on him that hangs in the right direction.

I'm not sure if scientists have ever investigated the link between an expanding waistline and an inflated sense of one's own self-worth, but Alex Salmond would certainly be a good place to start.

First of all, you might need to cajole him from the huff he is in due to not being invited to the Leaders' Debates.

What an ungrateful sod.

By virtue of his absence, the wider population couldn't learn about his abject lack of virtues.

There is also the other issue of whether he would be able to physically stand for long enough.

A more pertinent question might be whether we could stand him for long enough without being physically sick.

I suppose so, we put up with Gordon.